Monday, November 17, 2008

Starting dating again, after a divorce (from a male perspective)

An interesting thing happened while I was at the hairdressers (which normally happens every three weeks)... I was sitting there enjoying a head massage when I was asked to join a conversation between three ladies. The subject... when should a person re-enter the dating arena after a divorce; more specifically, a 35+ lady with a 2 year old daughter. I was asked from,would you believe it, a male's viewpoint.

Well sure, being a divorced male with a couple of relationship trainwrecks in his past, but getting closer to remarrying (and boy,am I the lucky one), I did have a little experience, and it was obvious this lady was hurting (her ex had quickly found another; it only took a month), so I thought why not.

Couple of things important for everyone to know:
  1. Give it some time: Don't force a relationship to happen; they need time to develop and to be nurtured. It's not a race to find someone, anyone, but time may be needed to find the right someone.
  2. Don't hide things like children from your date: Why hide someone so special from a potential partner? Remember,if that initial date turns into something much deeper, and you have held back critical detail of that significant other person in your life, what does that say about your belief in the strength of the new relationship? And if he doesn't want/like children... why would you string him on?
  3. It's not a competition with your ex: Just because he jumped out of one relationship, and virtually straight into another (not allowing himself time to recover and learn from the previous relationship) certainly does not mean you should to (refer back to point 1.).
  4. Create a small personal card: This may sound a little contrived, or even a little snobbish, but creating a small personal card, showing your name, a secondary email / twitter address, and a short one liner, but NOT a mobile number, may be an easy way of allowing contact after the date to occur, but without having to disconnect your mobile phone, as a result of a relationship gone south.
  5. Meet a blind date in public, during the day: Normally, a date during the day is a lot less easier to extract yourself from, than compared to one during the evening. If the date isn't going according to plan,you can always exit stage right, with an excuse of an appointment / meeting / tweetup, where as a night time date has less escape options.
  6. Your life doesn't have to be put on hold just because you have a child: Sounds harsh but in 0 - 18 years or more, that child will have grown up and perhaps moved on. Can you really afford to put your life on hold for that long. If your child is such a big part of your life, then let your life move forwards with your child.
  7. See a psychologist: Any momentous change in your life,certainly needs an amount of support to assist with the recovery,and a psychologist is perfect and quite subtle. And really, anything more than three months (unless there were some major issues) with a psychologist, is consdiered to be a waste of time and money.
This is by no means the definitive list, and I am sure anyone could add something here, but it's a starting point, and I certainly hope someone, somewhere, will take advantage of this information.

My thoughts for now,


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